A Fangirl's Guide To Fanfiction
by SmarticleParticle
Summary: A sarcastic fangirl guides you through the steps of creating awesome OCs, cute yaoi stories and much more! Rated T for language. Now with added BB and MPreg!
1. Mary S--I mean, OCs

******A/N: If I owned Death Note, I wouldn't be sitting in a dark room writing fanfiction about it. This fic is rated T for language. I've tried not to be too offensive and/or obnoxious, but it's quite possible that I come across as a right cocky bitch (oxymoron?) in this. If so, I am sorry. I know there have been fanficion guides written before, but this is my version. This fic is satire-PLEASE do not take it seriously. On with the show!**

**"All I know is EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"-OneRepublic**

Click on the _Death Note_ section of . Look down. Back up. What do you see?

No, not the yaoi.

Yep. OCs. Lots and lots of OCs.

I can't help noticing how badly-written the minority of OCs are. Yes, it's a minority, but it's still enough to drive a fangirl crazy. If your OC is average-looking, unremarkable and moral, then you're doing it wrong. Pay close attention to this tutorial and I'll show you how to write compelling, realistic, tragic OCs that'll get the reviews rolling in faster than you can say "Mary Sue".

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Step 1: Keeping Up Appearances

The physical aspect of your OC is vital. I cannot stress how important this is; what captivates an audience better than your character's mesmerising limpid eyes, shining with the pain of her tortured past? Or her lustrous raven hair, gleaming with otherworldly energy? Or her gravity-defying bust, bouncing hypnotically with her every movement?

In order to totally enthral your audience, you need to present this information appropriately. It's no good steadily drip-feeding adjectives in bite-sized chunks, because the reader will just forget all the important information. It's much better to get the story's ball rolling by creating a profile of your OC in the first paragraph. This will give a nice, smooth rhythm to your description and won't disrupt the prose's flow at all.

Crap, I almost forgot! As you are creating your OC, be sure to include a full description of her attire. This can't just be any old clothing; think Misa Amane, but sluttier. We readers don't want to see plain old jeans and t-shirts. No, we want corsets and spiked leather boots and skirts that look more like belts and more makeup than Bozo the Clown. This is because we _want_ to degrade ourselves by dressing like prostitutes, but we're just too shy/awkward/scared/dignified to do so. By making a slutty OC, you are helping us live out our dreams of being trollops from the comfort of our bedrooms! This part of your character is vital to the storyline, so spend _at least_ two paragraphs talking about it.

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Step 2: "Proper Names Are Like Poetry In The Raw."

Just like everyone else, your OC is Unique. They have their own way of doing things and won't let anybody get in their way, even if that person is much older and wiser than they are. So how do you reflect this in your character? Simple! They need a name which makes them **STAND OUT!** Here's one I made earlier:

Trinity Ravenwing Ophelia Lapis Lazuli

Like all good OC names, this has _meaning_. It is dripping with symbolism. Allow me to explain. "Trinity" represents her connection to God. Even though she acts like a whore, her soul is pure and good.

"Ravenwing" represents her supernatural and mysterious side. What is more alluring than a bird which has been watching over the bloodstained, haunted grounds of the Tower of London for hundreds of years, probably feeding off the leaking brains of beheaded traitors? Nothing.

On to my next point. Ophelia was a character from a play by some guy called Shake Spear. His plays are favoured among high-class people, so this part of her name shows her vast intelligence and refined tastes. Can't you just picture her in the front row of _Romano and Juliet?_

Lastly, we have the final component of her name, Lapis Lazuli. This is a kind of gemstone, which shows how valuable she is—very useful if she were ever held hostage, which she probably will be at some point.

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Step 3: It's a Hard Life

Speaking of hostage situations, it's not impossible that your OC has been kidnapped at some point in her life, or will be in the future. See, by being a beautiful, lovable genius who can charm anyone she meets, your character has somehow made herself a magnet for all kinds of tragedy and misfortune. Neglect, bereavement, rape, discrimination, attempted murder, period pain—you name it, she's lived through it. Not only has she survived her tragic past, but it has also made her a better person. Don't bother researching the actual psychological effects of violence, rape and abuse—they won't fit the story you want to write. And don't worry about offending people who have actually suffered this. Of course your imagination will fill you in on the psychological aftermath of such atrocities—you're a _writer_, after all.

Make sure you constantly remind your audience of your OC's past battles, because we love hearing about the suffering of an imaginary character and don't feel it trivialises real issues _at all_. Moreover, the backstory can be used as an excuse for pretty much anything. If the character had a violent childhood, they could probably get away with murder. This happens in UK courts surprisingly often.* Just make sure the OC has someone in authority on their side, like Soichiro or Watari or, I don't know, L maybe?

*No kidding, it actually does. I have noticed that, depending on the judge, some criminals get sympathy and a shorter jail term if they had a rough childhood, though this usually applies to lesser crimes like shoplifting. Even so, it's part of the reason the UK is so fucked up.

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Step 4: Bringing Sexy Back

So, you have the mental image of your OC all worked out. Only one thing is missing: canon characters, the reason this crap was posted in the _Death Note _section. Step 4 focuses on her story, and more importantly, the romance. This is, after all, what the readers came for.

It is important to note that canon is not written in stone. As a fan, it is your _right_ to bend the plot and characters to your will, even if you don't own them. Besides, this is _your_ story. If a particular plot point or character's trait doesn't fit your needs, change it! Other fans won't mind—it's not up to them to dictate the way _you _write.

While it is important to include canon characters, they don't have to be the main focus of your story; that's what your OC is for. So, what _are_ canon characters good for? Being sex objects, of course!

Getting to this level of intimacy with a character usually involves joining the Task Force (or, occasionally, Wammy's House). Don't worry about your character having no qualifications and policing experience, a quick display of her genius and/or breasts will convince L that she's worthy of a place on the team, and he'll have her replace Aizawa because nobody liked him anyway.

This is where things start to develop. L is the most common choice for a love interest, because his social awkwardness, insensitivity and bad personal hygiene make him the perfect boyfriend. Greasy hair is _so_ sexy. OMNOMNOMNOM. It's also likely that he'll have to abandon the Kira case to tend to your OC's every whim—fuck saving the world.

Alternatively, you may wish to have your OC solve the case all by herself, since L is too infatuated to stop staring into her mesmerising eyes long enough to get off his arse and find some damn clues. Again, this won't infuriate other _Death Note_ fans. They're all secretly imagining themselves in your OC's shoes. Just make sure L gets all the credit for solving the case, then you can add 'under appreciation' to the list of injustices suffered by your character.

However, if you do choose to have your OC solve the case, do _not_ let her get pig-headed about it. Modesty is one of her many virtues, so have her shrug it off with a simpering smile and doe eyes. If they hadn't already fallen under her spell, the Task Force will be drooling over her. So will Matt and Mello, for some reason.

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So, there you have it—the complete guide to writing your very own Death Note OC. It works every time—I guarantee it.

NEXT EPISODE: I Will Go Down With This Ship—a comprehensive guide to pairing up your favourite Death Note characters! See you then!

*cheesy music plays*

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**A/N: Again, I've tried not to be too inflammatory here, but I've probably failed. *uses Matsuda as flame sheild* If you have something you want mocked in this fic, please do not hesitate to tell me, I'm always open to ideas. I have a list of stuff I want to cover, so more will be coming soon. Stay tuned!**

**x~SmarticleParticle~x**

**PS: Song quote at the start is from "Everybody Loves Me" by OneRepublic, which is a fantastic song. Quote at the start of Step 2 is by W.H Auden.**


	2. I Will Go Down With My Ship

**Warning: This chapter contains yaoi references, naff puns, comments which may offend the staunchly religious and naughty language. Huge thanks to Marshmallows Rule The World and WhiteLadyDragon for reviewing the last chapter!**

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**"You! I want to take you to a gay bar!"—Electric Six**

One of the dominant themes in the stories by fans from all across the fandom is romance. Who doesn't love seeing their favourite character getting paired off with random people and having wild, steamy affairs with them? And I'm not talking about your crap OC—proper shipping only occurs between canon characters. But how does one "ship"? To understand this activity, we must first familiarise ourselves with the meaning of the word.

It is the common belief that "shipping" is derived from the word "relationship". This is incorrect. It actually comes from actual ships—you know, boats that float on water and stuff. When you write a fanfic for a less mainstream couple, you must convince others that your couple is the best, and it becomes like shipping goods—the writing process is like a long, arduous journey across choppy waters, and when you're done you still have to sell the goods to customers. Ships also have the potential to sink halfway across the ocean, ie. get abandoned by the writer. Anyone who thinks shipping comes from "relationship" is clearly an idiot.

So, we have the meaning of the word sorted out. Now, I hope none of you get seasick because we're setting sail; it's time for the actual shipping. That sounded much better in my head.

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Step 1: Playing Cupid

Dilemma alert! Do you want to write a romantic fic with a creative, original pairing? Don't know who to pair up with whom? Have no experience in love whatsoever? Luckily for you, setting characters up is remarkably easy! Just pick one hot character. Done? Good. Now, pick another hot character. It doesn't matter if they never met in-series, because we're going to find a way around that.

Congratulations, you now have a ship! Just don't try sailing it. Since Death Note's cast is primarily male, it's likely that you have a yaoi pairing. This is fine—yaoi will inevitably get you more readers, since the Death Note Fanfiction community mainly consists of sexually frustrated teenage girls. But I would advise you not to mention the yaoi fans to your parents, they will start to wonder if the fandom is some kind of gay club.

Now you have your main characters, which will give your story body. What's next?

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Step 2: Across A Crowded Room

This bit will focus on how your characters met, especially if they never made contact in canon. There are several ways you can do this:

1: At a bar—Were your characters ever in the same country at the same time? They were? Great! Get them hammered so they can have wild, no-strings-attached sex just for the hell of it. If you're _really_ clever—and this is hard to pull off, so be careful—you can have one of them remember who they slept with, stalk them, then turn up in the middle of the Kira case to rekindle the flame! How romantic!

2: High-school romance—El gasp! Who could have guessed, but your characters went to the _same high-school_! And as if that weren't crazy enough, they _dated_, too! Not only will this reel in reviewers like a fishing rod, but it's totally original and unclichèd _and_ you have the opportunity to create a High-School Musical parody!

3: In the Afterlife—Lots of characters die in _Death Note_—pretty much all of the hot ones kick the bucket, so why not have Jesus (or Satan, depending on the character) set them up on a blind date in the Afterlife? Don't make J.C a main character, though, because that would count as a Bible crossover.

These usually work when your characters have never met before, but what do you do if they actually know each other? Here are some popular pairings and some tips on writing them.

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**LxLight:** A fan favourite. These two were handcuffed together for several episodes, therefore they had sex at least once. However, due to L's social awkwardness and Light's plain dickishness, they quickly terminate the affair because they both have better things to do and Light's fucking Misa anyway.

**MattxMello:** Another favourite. These two are BFFs, so who's to say it's nothing more than bromance? After all, they died together. That's, like, _sooo_ cute! It's _Romano and Juliet_ all over again. When writing this pairing, it's sometimes hard to decide who's uke and who's seme. If you're stuck, just look at Mello's trousers. Is there room for 'anything' under there? No there is not. And he looks like a girl anyway, therefore he must be an uke. Just a really aggressive one.

**MelloxNear:** Ah, teenage rivalry, inevitably leading to sexytiemz. Obviously, Mello's hatred for Near is just a cover and he can't admit he's gay because teenage boys are immature like that. Can't you just see how their scenes are burning with sexual tension? But wait! This pairing has potential for _even more drama_ when Mello gets caught in a love triangle between Near and Matt! It sounds like the beginning of a joke. _A blond, a ginger and an albino walk into a gay bar..._

**RyukxLight**: I really don't think I need to explain this. It happened and you know it.

Using any of these pairings guarantees Fanfiction success. Just add angst, Mellodrama, heartwarming fluff and more lemon than a citrus farm and you've got yourself a hit. Good luck and happy shipping, sailor!

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Next time: A special appearance from everyone's favourite creep. No, not Near. I'll keep you guessing.

**EL FIN **

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**A/N: God, this chapter is so bad it's not even funny. Literally. On top of all the ship-bashing, I really should get my flame shield out for this one. MATSUDA GET OVER HERE.**

**Song lyrics are from "Gay Bar" by Electric Six. There's a few good Death Note AMVs for that song. By the way, I'm going to put a poll up on my profile so you can vote on the chapter you want next. The chapter wit hthe highest number of votes before I start writing will get posted first, if you get my drift. That'll be up soon, and I'll see you next chapter!**

**x~SmarticleParticle~x**


	3. This Pun Is Beyond Overused

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorry this chapter is so short, but it's hard to bitch about a character you like, especially as the majority of BB fanfics are very good. I promise the next chapter will be better. T_T For future reference, I'll probably be uploading at least one chapter a weekend and perhaps one in the week. Of course, this all depends on a wide range of variables such as the amount of homework I get, how many people read the previous chapter, figurative sarcasm levels, solar flare intensity ect. Also, thanks to Beyond-Euro, WhiteLadyDragon, Blank Personality and Bleeding Destruction for reviewing/faving (fave-ing?)!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Beyond Birthday (thank God), Death Note, or a social life.**

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Now it's time for a special appearance from the world's sexiest serial killer. Light's got nothing on this guy—what could be hotter than an insane genius with a jam fetish? If you have the hots for L but find him too _bland_, just read a few BB fics. Better yet, write some.

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The first rule of writing a fic about Beyond Birthday is that you must always, _always_ use a pun in the title. It's best if you make this painfully obvious in case you have a particularly thick reader who won't get it. Don't worry about the pun being clichéd, everyone's doing it. It will also intrigue your reader—someone wit the intelligence to make a clever pun must be capable of writing a decent story, right? Right? If you're feeling really creative, try making a play on "Birthday" instead of "Beyond". That will _really_ make your fic stand out from the crowd.

Now then, on to the second rule, and that is that Beyond Birthday is hot. Beyond Birthday is very, very hot. Beyond Birthday is so hot he actually caught fire. Like, literally. He was _actually burning. _Sure, he's an obsessive, manipulative murderer, mad genius, L impersonator and rumoured cannibal, but when you look past all that I'm sure he's a nice guy. After all, he only killed people who were _meant_ to die. That's got to count for something, right? Anyway, violent, manipulative men are sexy. And he's a clean freak! A handsome, intelligent badboy who'll do all the housework for you. What more could you want? However, bringing B home to meet your parents may be slightly awkward.

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Right, now it's on to step three—the actual fanfiction. Naturally, like many fanfiction writers, you want to write a romance, perhaps with an OC who sounds suspiciously like the person you want to be. We've already covered the steps of creating an OC and I can't be bothered to go through that shit again, so we'll just skip ahead to looking at how she affects BB.

Like all serial killers, Beyond obviously had some sort of mental illness—toddle over to Wikipedia to find out which one and, like the abuse and rape from Chapter One, you definitely won't piss off people who actually live with psychopathy/OCD/schizophrenia/jam fetishes. But wait! If you take the plunge and actually _do some research_, you'll discover that sociopaths can feel empathy with certain people, which provides the perfect setup for your story. It's safe to say that no other writers will have thought of a plot where an OC gets accepted into Wammy's House and becomes the one person who B actually loves and isn't just using them for sex/a punch bag/provider of jam.

But wait (again)! Read _Another Note_, or at least the Wikia article on it, it will tell you that B once had a best friend called A! A was male, but since he never actually made any proper appearances in the novel/manga/anime, nobody's gonna notice if you genderswap him and make him B's girlfriend, right? Just make sure you do it on the quiet, BB may not be too happy if he finds out you forced his BFF to undergo a sex change. He'll be even more pissed off when he realises how long it took him to notice. As an added bonus of sexchange!A, since he/she was actually a canon character, you can't be accused of writing a self-insert Mary Sue OC! It's foolproof.

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I hope you were paying attention throughout this tutorial, because Beyond Birthday is certainly not the kind of character you want to cross. In fact, this chapter sucked so much he's standing behind me right now with a chainsaw. I think I may have pissed him off. Oh shit. Uhh... join me next time for a chapter on a fanfic trend which makes my not-so-inner science nerd weep. See you then!

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**A/N: Yes, that chapter was pitiful, but there's not an awful lot I can say about BB fics because, like I said before, most of them are good. By the way, that poll I mentioned last chapter is now up on my profile, so you can vote for what you want to see here next! If you have a chapter idea which is not on the poll, please message me about it. Trust me, my bark is much worse than my bite.**

**x~SmarticleParticle~x**


	4. Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat?

**A/N: We're on the 4th chapter already? D: Thanks to WhiteLadyDragon, Adurna Skulblaka, B Sweets, rainbowpanther9 and Death-Note-Fan01 for reviewing or faveing the last chapter. You all rock. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the concept of MPreg. I do, however, own an imaginary BB, who has become my new and upgraded flameshield after I bribed him with jam.**

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After a rather, um, _interesting_ last chapter, featuring the world's greatest serial killer, chainsaws, jam fetishes and sex changes, I think it's time we stepped back and looked at the nice, peaceful joy of creating new life. Having children is a milestone in any relationships, and allows both the daddy and the daddy to—wait, what? You thought I was talking about a man's sperm meeting a woman's egg to produce an embryo, exactly as nature intended? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. This is _fanfiction_, people, and the laws of logic and science do not apply here. That's right, I'm talking about MPreg.

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While, with current technology, it is impossible for a homosexual couple to have a biological child, male pregnancy is prevalent in almost any fandom. There is a simple reason for this; whichever male characters have the baby are so in love in Death Note canon, even if they aren't, that the thought of a surrogate mother intruding on their relationship is so preposterous the author would rather have one of the blokes produce a baby from...somewhere. One other cause of MPreg could be the desperate shortage of children in need of adoption or foster care. Anyway, adoption is never a good plot device because the child wouldn't actually be Matt and Mello's/L and Light's/Soichiro and Matsuda's baby. Even if they loved and cared for the child as if it were actually their own, it's still not _theirs_. As with most other topics covered in this guide, saying this in your fanfiction is unlikely to provoke an angry backlash.

Some authors may be considering using a surrogate mother to have the baby, but this is _never_ a good idea. Isn't the thought of another woman intruding on the relationship horrific (yaoi threesomes don't count)? Unless, of course, you are clever and creative enough to craft an OC which any of your readers can relate to and which enables them to insert themselves into the story. Then it's fine.

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As well as adopted children and foster parents, there is another demographic you risk pissing off by writing MPreg—nerds. Yep, those lonely, zitty kids who always have their nose buried in a book will _not_ be happy when they discover you've been shitting on their Science and Logic. To avoid a nerd uprising, it is probably not a good idea to leave your MPreg lying around where they can see it. If you accidentally _do_ blab about your weird fetishes to those bespectacled freaks, I'll give you my advice on how to quell your Nerd Uprising: don't. Just...don't even try.

The point of this pointless anecdote? Make sure your MPreg stays on the Internet, preferably confined to the Hetalia fandom.

However, if you are desperate to impregnate a man from Death Note, please consider creating an AU where everyone is a seahorse. That way, the man can get knocked up and it's all scientifically accurate, so everyone's happy.

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I would not be at all surprised if the seahorse scenario did not appeal to you as a writer or a reader. How the hell is seahorse!Light supposed to be handcuffed to seahorse!L when they don't have hands? Exactly. So, in order to write human MPreg, there is one big-but-somehow-always-overlooked problem you will have to overcome—where exactly is this baby going to grow? As difficult as this dilemma seems at first glance, it is actually quite straightforward, and there are several solutions:

**1.** One of the guys grows a womb and a mangina. This could be attributed to something they ate (last night's curry just didn't agree with them, for example), or another character could have messed with their chromosomes for the lulz.

**2.** Since most Death Note characters are geniuses, they find a way to create a baby in a test tube using two sperm instead of a sperm and an egg. Be sure not to go into too much detail, because this could get confusing very easily.

**3.** The characters take acid and the baby is all a hallucination.

**4.** It just happens.

Most MPreg authors choose the fourth option, since it is the easiest to use without having to go into those irritating technicalities. It also allows the reader to fill in the gaps, and every author's top priority should be the reader's enjoyment. Having them make up half the story themselves just shows you care.

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I hope you will find this tutorial useful when writing for this fascinating subculture of fanfiction (subculture of a subculture? Sub-subculture?). I will close this entry in the Guide by stating the Golden Rule Of MPreg:

**MALE PREGNANCY IS SRS BSNS**.

If you should ever get the urge to get a male character pregnant, you must _always_ be deadly serious about it, and it's your job to convince the readers that Mello/L/Matsuda was always meant to get preggers. If the general reaction to your artfully crafted story is "OMGWTFBBQPENISSRSLYYOUGAISSR SLY" then you're doing it wrong.

**Next time: How do you know when you've gone into too much detail? Wrong! You can _never_ go into too much detail.**

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**A/N: Perhaps creating that poll was not my brightest idea. I can't believe I had to research this. D: Would one of my lovely readers please pass me some brain bleach? I'm all for yaoi, but MPreg is just...no. Speaking of polls, 3 topics had the same result, so I just picked the one which was at the top of the list when I looked at it. I'm sorry. :( **

**x~SmarticleParticle~x**

**PS if anyone actually writes a story involving the seahorse scenario I will love them forever. You could call it "Seahores"! :O**


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